Reasons why I didn’t look back

I’ve always looked at myself as a strong will-power woman who was always on the search for something more… adventure… love… self discovery… and anything that was new was exciting…

This all changed when I met you… and you know this… At first, it was great, I thought to myself, how did I get so lucky? How did I find this amazing man who wants to take care of me at his free will? Do I actually deserve all this? And so I began to try to pay back a little of all that “love” that you were giving me in my own little ways…

We would go out all the time, drive one hour just to go to eat… and just drive around for no real reason… just to hang out… It was great! And I kept thinking to myself, this can not get any better! I am the luckiest woman in the world!

This quickly changed, but I didn’t realize it, I was so blinded by what I thought was your love that I did not see it coming, and I couldn’t change it either.

I was trying to be everything you wanted, or so I thought… but I was far far away from your ideal person… And so just like that, out of nowhere, you started pushing me away… by saying things like:

  • You hug me too much, just stay in your corner, and I will stay in mine…
  • You are too loving for me… I can’t take it…
  • You can’t do anything right…
  • Your hair is horrible…
  • Have you looked at yourself today?! You look horrible…
  • Why didn’t you cook today?

And many more things… that I would rather not even remember… It got to the point that you threw a plate across the room just because you wanted tacos instead of spaghetti… Or a cellphone across the room because I was just annoying you by asking you what was wrong…

palma
Even across the world from you… you managed to hurt me…

I kept being me, I held on to myself for a long time… Or so I thought…. Slowly though… I started losing myself… I would look in the mirror and didn’t know who that person was anymore… I didn’t recognize myself.

I tried doing anything in my power to make you happy, so everything you ever complaint about I changed.  When you came home, I would just say “Hi”… No hug, no kiss, nothing and continue on with what I was doing… I always tried to keep it all clean just for you… I tried to cook your food, listen to your music… And many more things… But even with all that effort, you weren’t happy… that was still not good enough, there was always something missing, something that would’ve been done differently… Something I needed to work on… And the more you complaint and I tried to fix all those things… the more I lost myself trying to make you happy.

But I just wasn’t good enough… Nothing was good enough for you… I started working as many hours as I could just to escape that… I believed that by avoiding it all, it would just magically fix itself and life would go back to normal…

What I didn’t realize was that me working for so many hours just added to the stress… that’s when the threats started… the screams… the fights… the pushing… wrestling just to get my keys to the car so I could drive to work the next morning… the mean words… and the more you did that… the colder I got… and I just kept to myself… Didn’t talk to too many people because I was scared of your reaction….

And even with all that, I was there for you… I did everything I could to make you happy… When things were tough for you, I was there, holding your hand, telling you things would be ok, hugging you, drying up your tears, and doing anything in my power to make it all better for you,  I tried my hardest to make things work… But soon I started hearing:

  • You’re too cold
  • You don’t do anything right
  • You want too much
  • Can’t do anything right
  • You are crazy… (and not in a good way)
  • If it weren’t for me, you’d be nothing (although I held 2 jobs and could perfectly support myself)
  • You’re so different, I don’t know who you are
  • You never want to be with me
  • You’re not sick, you’re just complaining for no reason…
  • Couldn’t you get sick on a day that I didn’t have to work? I could be sleeping right now, but instead, I have to take you to the damn ER!

And so much more… My life had gone from the perfect relationship to total hell… And in the process… I became a bitter person that wanted to get out of that hell but didn’t think she was good enough to pull herself together…

Finally, something happened… I was on a trip… by myself, of course, and of course after a lot of arguing with you to go… Light went on… And I was able to clearly see everything… And what I mean is… I was that strong, free will, lovely woman… I could do anything I wanted to do… I wasn’t perfect, but I was an amazing person and I didn’t deserve to live in hell…

 

me in texas
And this is the moment I realized who I really was..

I went back home, determined to show you that I wasn’t the woman you thought I was… I was so much better than what you thought, and I was willing to show you and make this work… but after 2 years of trying and failing… I decided, this relationship didn’t have anything left that was worth saving… that you would never understand me or support me and that I was GOOD ENOUGH and DESERVED BETTER!

I was no longer willing to work on something that you weren’t willing to work on…

So, I moved out… that was my first step and attempt to leave you… but you weren’t going to let go so easily… so even though you didn’t really love me, you were still around…

I started dreaming again, laughing instead of crying myself to sleep every night, I saw a beautiful woman on the mirror for the first time in years, and that woman was me…

You tried to cover up the sun with your hand… you tried to diminish my dreams… knock them down, and knock me down, but you forgot that the sun still shines even on cloudy days…

And just like that, I kept rebuilding myself… and you kept arguing… but this time, I wasn’t listening, I kept walking away… further and further away… until one day, everything you said, became a background noise I wasn’t willing to listen to anymore…

And now, here I am, still a little broken, but I am this woman, and I am getting to know me, and forgiving me, and dreaming and working to get me what I need…

blanca and i.jpg
And happy started to look good on me 🙂

So, when you said… after a year and a half away… “I miss you”… I can finally say, I do not, I wish you the best… But my life without you is so much better… and I am loving it and loving myself… Something you weren’t able to do…

So please, keep on with your life… be happy and I hope you learned as much as I did…

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s